James Eyre

I grew up in an orphanage. It was terrible, and the women in charge used to chase us around waving swords in the air. One day Felicity, the most evil of these women, had me cornered and I honesty thought I was a goner. She swung her sword towards me but I grabbed a sturdy broom to defend myself.

Reader, I parried her.


Managing to live through those terrible days, I eventually managed to obtain employment as a teacher. The young girl I was teaching was useless at French. Every time she got a word wrong, I would force feed her a frog. This was risky as one day she could croak, and then I’d be in big trouble. She did improve though – she was very scared of turning into a frog herself.

Reader, I worried her.

For a while I was out of work and had to take people across the local river on a rickety raft. There was a woman, Miss Rochester, who used to come every day to be taken across the river. Sometimes she used to stay on the raft for several crossings just to be near me.

Reader, I ferried her.


One day Miss Rochester fell down and broke her leg. She writhed in pain and could not get home unaided.

Reader, I carried her.


Of course one thing led to another and we fell in love. I could see that she wanted me but something held her back. I kept hearing strange noises from upstairs – grunting, crashing furniture, and strange gurgling sounds. She was very reluctant to tell me what was going on, but I could see that she was worried. I kept on and on at her but still she would not reveal the awful truth.

Reader, I harried her.


Eventually I put my fears aside and proposed to her. She accepted, and my heart leapt. The marriage ceremony didn’t go well, however – someone objected. She looked like an extra from Planet of the Apes. She claimed that Miss Rochester was in fact Mrs Rochester – married to her brother. Miss / Mrs Rochester protested, saying that she had been fooled into marrying a baboon. Running back to the house, I rushed upstairs to the room that was always locked, where all the noise had come from. Inside the awful truth hit me – a hairy baboon was in there, wearing a wedding ring!

Mrs Rochester came to me, sobbing, begging forgiveness and trying to explain how she had been fooled into marriage with this beast. She said that the marriage was a sham and that she had only kept Gerald alive out of kindness. She pleaded with me to stay with her.

Reader, I ditched her like a shot.


But my life was never the same again – I could not rekindle the joy I had with Mrs Rochester. I agonised about it, but could not bring myself to visit that place again. Then I heard the dreadful news – the house had burned down, and someone had died.

I could not contain my grief, thinking that it was my beloved Angelina – I sped towards the house on horseback, pausing only to rebuild my raft so that I may cross the river. Just three days later I made it to the house.

The fire had been extensive, with only a shell remaining. I could hear some strange noises from inside, and feared the worst. However I plucked up my courage and crept inside… the noises became louder as I neared their source, and with great relief I saw that Angelina was the one who had lived, not Gerald.

“We can be together at last!” I cried.

“Is that really you, James?” she sobbed. “Oh how I have waited to behold your face again. But alas, I cannot: this fire left me blind as I tried to save Gerald. Poor, stupid creature… it never even knew that it had been married. As soon as I saw the face of my arranged marriage mate, I put him in a spare room and arranged for fifty bananas per day.”

I was shocked. “How did you get bananas in all year round?!”

“I didn’t say they were anything like fresh by the time he ate them.”

“Ah” I said.

“Can you still love me, now that I’m blind?” She held her breath while she waited for my response. This was probably a bad idea as I didn’t answer for several minutes.

After resuscitating her, I said fondly, “My dear Angelina, I would love you even if you had smelly breath.”

She sighed contentedly. “It is as I thought – true love!”

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Reader, I married her.